close yet far
the more you do try the less shall be done. so what do i do? stop trying? not do? wait for the bolt of lightening, the manna from heaven, the gold platter to descend and bless me? it hasn't happened in the past, why should it happen now? when i wanted the job, house, friends, woman, i went and gave first, i took the initiative, i led from the front and then through good and evil, things moved, sometimes for the worse, sometimes otherwise, but things did move.
this time i hear voices, which mean well, asking, advising, extolling, requesting, ordering me to wait and watch. to see the roll of the dice, the flow of the river, to not go too fast, to not jump in.
why should i listen to them? coz i find my own voice not powerful enough? coz i am tired of being spontaneous and then being cut down? coz i am vary of walking down the garden path and turning around to find no one with me?
but then there is no one who can say for sure: me or the voices. this story has never been lived ever before. how will anyone know its outcome? this time has not happened, these people have never met, these emotions have never been felt.
the unfortunate part lies not in the being belted down, it lies in the subconscious fear of over stepping, of showing or saying or doing something that will be misconstrued as something else. the sadness is about meaning more and saying less. not interacting the way you would like to, but the way you should. true we all wear masks, so what is the great crime to humanity if i wear yet another. but then what if i don't want to wear a mask? what if i want to let go? what if i just want to lie back, stare at the ceiling and let my mind and my words come out without thinking them through? what if i challenge the fact that we are in the business of creating perceptions? what if i want to let go of the veils and be recognized for myself? what if i refute the fact that a projection would be closer to sanity than reality itself? what then?
this time i hear voices, which mean well, asking, advising, extolling, requesting, ordering me to wait and watch. to see the roll of the dice, the flow of the river, to not go too fast, to not jump in.
why should i listen to them? coz i find my own voice not powerful enough? coz i am tired of being spontaneous and then being cut down? coz i am vary of walking down the garden path and turning around to find no one with me?
but then there is no one who can say for sure: me or the voices. this story has never been lived ever before. how will anyone know its outcome? this time has not happened, these people have never met, these emotions have never been felt.
the unfortunate part lies not in the being belted down, it lies in the subconscious fear of over stepping, of showing or saying or doing something that will be misconstrued as something else. the sadness is about meaning more and saying less. not interacting the way you would like to, but the way you should. true we all wear masks, so what is the great crime to humanity if i wear yet another. but then what if i don't want to wear a mask? what if i want to let go? what if i just want to lie back, stare at the ceiling and let my mind and my words come out without thinking them through? what if i challenge the fact that we are in the business of creating perceptions? what if i want to let go of the veils and be recognized for myself? what if i refute the fact that a projection would be closer to sanity than reality itself? what then?
posted by goldfluke @ 6:33 PM
14 Comments:
instinct. it comes naturally. whatever one does, its best if it happens naturally.
Spontaneity… what spontaneity are you talking about… when you are in the search mode, you already have a set goal in mind… you are trying to find it everywhere you look…sometimes even when it’s not there at all… that filter is already on in front of the lenses… so the question again arises that the image you are looking at is real or in your head… do you trust that filter… at the end of the day I guess anon is right… you have to go by your instinct… and I hope to hell your instincts are right….
When you are this desperate there is a huge chance of your making mistakes. Be careful.Of yourself.
first. sometimes things work, sometimes they don't. sometimes it takes a second, sometimes it takes years. yours will find you.
and i realise, sometimes from your voice sometimes from what you write, how terrible it is when you are advised caution. i've said the same things to you. but you're right. never go against your nature. and the best part of you is that. you've always gone with the flow. thought of all these mad impulsive sudden things. and even now i continue to be amazed at how you always find the right gifts (pressure! pressure!). hey remember the telegram we tried to delay. so ya, that's always been one of the nicest parts of being with you. dont change that. dont listen to me. dont listen to anyone. do what you've always done. and if some dont like it, it is their loss.
someday, when they are with some boring guy who's picking his toenails, it'll hit them like a ton of bricks!
smile.: )
"the unfortunate part lies not in the being belted down, it lies in the subconscious fear of over stepping, of showing or saying or doing something that will be misconstrued as something else" - Well written! Fail to believe its about the writing...It's too real to be just about the writing...Enjoyed reading it coz could connect with it.
hug hug hug
hang on and remember two key things:-
"this too shall pass"
"with you all life"
Cutting..
what do u have against simplicity? Encrypting your message.... why?
I didn't understand this writing. stop analysing so much. That's my job.
Quite agree to "stop analysing so much"
Give yourself a break.
lol @ something one of the comments reminded me off! nice post :)
So many people care enough to say.
It's nice isn't it?
:-)
Kiran
kya hua.. kuch bol kyon naheen re..
sometimes its better to stop whining and get on with living. Shit happens..so deal with it
shed shed shed
skins, masks, pretenses, tinted lenses,
explore
with wonderment and trust
as a child would,
and you shall find treasures
september 12 & november 21st? been a long time.
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