gosmoking

posted by goldfluke @ 2:40 PM 13 comments

posted by goldfluke @ 2:13 AM 8 comments

We were discussing feelings: me myself and I. Not the usual why we feel so and so about so and so: that cliché was already beaten to death. This one was about the absence of feelings; about what it takes to be consumed by ego, pride, self-love/preservation/pity and not care about others. Where I me and myself are the only people who matter.

Not about the turning away from the poor/the invalid/those in need. Not about how we put our desire to drink dark rum over our desire to help them? Pretty early on in the evening, that was judged the easy-to-deal-with issue: ‘I don’t know them and therefore I don’t owe them’, being the guiding principle.

This conversation was about the ones we do know: the ones we claim to care for, the ones we like and love, the ones who give us gifts, who read our writing, who we trade pirated music with... about how we cheat on them, about how we heap our inadequacies on them, how we pretend not to see their cries for help or hear the need in their faces? How is it that we conveniently bypass blame for all this? Is this ability to forget our sins and our mistakes a way of preserving our sanity? Is it by choice that we don’t remember? Is this inhuman-ness part of our humanity? Is this detachment a necessary anchor to live by? Will the burden of our guilt, otherwise prove fatal?

It is at this point that we ran out of ideas to move up the thought chain. What was the point anyways? The resolution, conclusion, stand had been taken by umpteen before me. Knowing fully well that when the situation and the circumstance change, the belief will shift too. Knowing fully well that we will continue to unblinkingly sacrifice conscience at the altar of convenience and carry on with the business of living…

posted by goldfluke @ 1:45 AM 6 comments

Nobody cares. Whatever you do. However good you are. It doesn’t really matter. We are all playing out our own karma game. Others come and go. The game remains ours. Nobody else’s. We deceive ourselves, pretend that they care. They pretend it matters. But that is all that there is to it. Unless you make a difference to who they are, what they want, who they want to be, they don’t really care. It all boils down to morphing yourself into something that will take them closer to their own nirvana, when Shaw of the George Bernad types said something about the toughest surviving, he knew what he was talking about. It is all about who will make my survival easier: who will take me closer to my dream, make my dream come true. Ask yourself, you will come back with the same answer. The rest is an illusion we will sell to another, make it part of their dream but never ever ours: coz we are selfish, are self-centered, we will continue to see the world thru our own lens and no one else’s. That is the way of the world, which is the way we are DNAed. Try and do what u will, how much ever conditioning, how much ever this and how much ever that. We will remain the self obsessed. The question about who will you give the last life jacket to is still answered by the one who will remember you the most. Not about anything else, never about anything else.

posted by goldfluke @ 2:28 AM 17 comments

No.

I refuse to accept that I am responsible for all this. That one gets from the environment as one gives. That there is no one else to blame.

I cant help the way things are or have been, its your life, you went thru what you did and suffered cause of it, I have nothing to do with it. I just happen to be at this place now.

I am tired of these excruciating assaults on my feelings. Till now I kept using mind manipulation to figure a way out: how to not expect, how to let be, how to not retaliate, how to try and heal by myself. Don’t want to anymore. Refuse to look at my positive convictions, let alone stare them in the eye. Don’t want to be true to what i want to be but am not. Don’t want to be deceptive or be in denial. I refuse to succumb to my need to belong or my fear of rejection. Don’t want to rationalize anymore.

Want to give in to the need to strike back, to take an eye for an eye, to regress to a primal level and scream back, to hurt and maim and to be your reflection. And this time nothing is going to hold me back: Not my fear of confrontation, not my need for companionship or my innate civility. I am now ready to stoop as low as you have, maybe lower. ..

No, i am not saying i am evil or lex luthor or even bad-cool. i am just airing an intent i have, of what i want to do: just another guy who is refusing to become the official shovel-er for another’s shit.

posted by goldfluke @ 7:02 PM 4 comments

high on promise

posted by goldfluke @ 5:55 PM 9 comments